


Courage

by maitimiel



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23885674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maitimiel/pseuds/maitimiel
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18
Collections: Unsent Letters 2020





	Courage

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eafay70](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eafay70/gifts).



Mister Spock, 

Missed you today during alpha shift. Hope the repairs are going well.

Will I see you tonight for dinner?

Kirk

-

Captain,

I apologise for my earlier absence. I’m afraid the damage is more significant than previously estimated, and won’t be able to meet you for dinner tonight. Miss Leonne will be taking my place as science officer tomorrow so that I may continue my work on the engines.

Respectfully,  
Spock.

* * *

Spock,

I would like to meet you for a drink later tonight if you’re not busy. Scotty says the engines have never worked so well, and that he’ll be glad to have you out of his hair. Not his own words. Not mine, either. See me at my quarters for a game of chess?

Kirk

-

Captain,

I’m afraid I won’t be available tonight.

Respectfully,  
Spock

-

Spock, 

There aren’t that many places for you to hide in a spaceship. Please talk to me.

K

* * *

Spock,

I apologise for the note I slipped under your door last night. It was not my intention to pressure you or make any assumptions. I wish to discuss our current predicament. I’ll be in my quarters all night, working through paperwork. I swear they never tell you, when they give you command, that you’ll spend the rest of your days drowning in paperwork.

Come by at any time you wish, Spock. I’ll be waiting with tea.

Your friend,  
Kirk

* * *

Captain,

Please forgive my late reply. I spent most of the night in meditation, and by the time I noticed your message, it was too late for a social visit. 

Chess would be agreeable. I’ll come by once I have a chance, though I don’t know yet when this will take place.

Spock.

-

You know my door is always open for you, no matter the time. I look forward to chess.

Kirk

* * *

Mister Spock,

Never knew I’d have to resort to this. Last time I slipped notes under someone’s door, I was still at the academy. I cannot, of course, send this via fleet servers. The risks are too high. 

You understand this, of course. No one has ever calculated the risks of any mission faster or more accurately than you. Is that why you’re avoiding me? Have you calculated the odds of us crashing and burning and found that it’s not worth the risk? Tell me, Spock, what’s our number? 70.58% chance that things will never be the same again? 90.36% likely that this is the end of our friendship?

Forgive me. I do understand. I won’t bring this up again if you don’t. But Spock. I truly wish you would.

Your friend,

James T. Kirk 

-

Jim,

I could never reduce our friendship to numbers. I need you to understand that any risks, no matter how low, will still always be too high if the consequence is the end of the camaraderie we share. I do not mean to push you away. I just cannot bear to think of what might happen, should we fail. 

Always your friend,

Spock 

-

Spock,

You kissed me. You brought your lips to mine that day and not the other way around. I could not ever give up our friendship. I shouldn’t have made that joke, but you need to understand, we have already risked everything. From the moment we kissed, all was changed. I know it, and you know it, and we can’t go back to not knowing. 

And even if it never goes beyond this, if all we ever do is knowing, that’s already more, so much more than what could fit the relationship we had before. Things have changed, because, before that, you wouldn’t be avoiding my quarters and refusing to look me in the eye when we’re alone. We wouldn’t be sending each other clandestine letters like teenagers, and I wouldn’t be unable to stop thinking of you for even a second. 

You talk about the risk as if it’s still possible to avoid it, but I know myself, and I know it’s already too late. You talk about failure, but how can we fail? I want this. Don’t you? You kissed me.

Kirk

-

Forgive me, Jim.

* * *

Crumpled in James Kirk’s pocked:

Spock,

Do you regret it, then? Do you wish you hadn’t kissed me, that day? I wish for that too. If I can’t ever have you, it would have been better if I never knew that was an option. I could have gone on about my life, enjoying our “camaraderie” and never daring to hope for anything more. But you have offered me more, and than you’ve taken that offer back, after barely giving me a taste. I will never be able to forget what it felt like, that taste. That moment. 

No, you offered it to me and then took it immediately back - are you that selfish? Except I know you Spock, and I know you want me too. It’s not selfish if you’re denying yourself. It’s just cowardice. I’ve seen you face all sorts of monsters. You walked into that cave without the slightest hesitation - is it a man that scares you?

I don’t forgive you. Not before you actually tell me to my face that it was a mistake, and that you don’t want this every bit as much as I do. I can’t possibly forgive you for doing this for no reason. What’s your reason, Spock, tell me. Tell me if you can. We both know you won’t, though. You have no reason whatsoever to do this, other than fear.

I’ll forgive you, when you say it to my face.

Spock. Spock. How can you ask for forgiveness, and still not talk to me? How can I forgive you, or not, when I can’t see your face, and know what you’re thinking, and not know why you did it. Why did you do it? Why did you kiss me, you who can, better than anyone else, accurately calculate risk in a matter of seconds? You, who have never made an irrational decision in your entire life, why did you kiss me, if you were going to run away? 

~~Why~~

-

Spock,

I understand why you have chosen to avoid this subject. We as Starfleet officers have bigger responsibilities than ourselves, and it would have been reckless to indulge. I hope you understand, my friend, that your friendship is the most valuable thing in the world to me, and that I would never risk it, for any reason. 

Forgive my past trespasses. I’ll see you tomorrow, on Alpha shift.

Your friend,

James T. Kirk


End file.
